there will be a fish

So, I'm reading this romance novel, because what else are you supposed to do when taking a long bath with a glass of wine? (Also, I got about halfway through it months ago before getting bored, and it's just been sitting around annoying me every since.) It's not that bad, if somewhat pedestrian; it's The Search, by Nora Roberts, and while it's fairly typical, it's amusing enough. The male lead is rather charmingly grumpy, and the stuff about canine search-and-rescue is actually pretty interesting, and the book abounds with adorable dogs. The serial killer bits are frankly giggle-inducing, though; I would really like to sit Nora Roberts down with some Criminal Minds and some textbooks before she attempts any more serial killer novels.

But it's driving me completely insane. Why, you might ask? Well, it's the fucking dramatic pauses.

No, wait, I take that back. Movies have dramatic pauses. Plays have dramatic pauses. TV shows abuse dramatic pauses. But the modern romance novel, apparently, has dramatic paragraph breaks. They come complete with sentence fragments, did you know? Oh my god, it drives me up a wall. Here's an example:

"Given what she did for a living, and the gardening she'd be working on throughout the season, Fiona knew manicures were a waste of time and money.

But this was Indulgence Central.

Their last day, too, she reminded herself. She might as well make the most of it -- and go home with pretty fingers and toes even if she'd mangle them within twenty-four hours in reality.

Besides, it felt good.

She admired the breezy, beachy pink on her short but currently well-shaped nails as she slid her feet into the warm, churning water at the base of the pedicure chair. A chair, she thought, that offered a slice of heaven as it vibrated up and down her back.

Cindy, who'd given her the pretty nails, brought her a cup of water with thin lemon slices floating in it. "Comfortable?"

No, Cindy. No, I am not, but thank you for asking. But, I mean, really? We have: One sentence, paragraph break. One sentence with poor grammar, paragraph break. Two sentences, paragraph break. Very short sentence, paragraph break. Two sentences, paragraph break. One sentence and one word of dialogue, paragraph break.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I mean, I understand the value of a good dramatic paragraph break. They're great! A well-timed paragraph break can be a work of art. But YOU ARE WRITING ABOUT THE MAIN CHARACTER GETTING A PEDICURE, NORA ROBERTS. WHY ARE DRAMATIC PARAGRAPH BREAKS NECESSARY? FOR ALMOST 500 PAGES?

...I've noticed this in fic sometimes, too, so Nora Roberts isn't the only guilty party. *eyes you all sidelong* What ever happened to a nice, well-crafted paragraph? What ever happened to not dramatically adding a paragraph break in the middle of a character's dialogue and then not ever formatting the quotation marks properly? Was her editor in a coma during all of this?

And most importantly: WHAT THE FUCK IN WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS. GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU DELINQUENTS.